yesterday went well..morning as usual go to work..and at 10 something cimb call regarding about my cheque.. they still invistigate it..the afternoon..helping up marketing people to getting ready for prize giving..and heheh.. my design will post in the newspaper..hehe..the car key and the board..after finnish prize giving..what else..makan time..if i know i din go for lunch..better mkn free..heheh...ermm..then went back home after work.. my adik on9..guess what..hes got his own laptop from TM ody..hope he will concetrate more in study because always have prob with pc..IT student need a lot of using pc...happy with him..and he very happy too..heheh..thats all..cheers..
heheh i donno what title to give..
Morning and blessed new week..
One voice concert on the 10 april 2010 at Good Sheperd Subang Jaya,
it was great and fun...I plan to go there after choir practice, but the concert cancel, so i sms philemon what can i help so i can go early as he ask me to help up if i can go early,the concert went well although a bit of kelam kabut, but manage to help them. i was invited by philemon witty, son of rev. witty kendu. all the youth are really2 friendly and crazy with their joke..feel at home as many of them are iban..of cause la iban ministry ma... as the concert go... in the middle of the concert..the church went half black out..only half of the building have electricity...all the mic and the lcd not working..aduh2...we continue to pray and sing without music..many go to front and hold hand together to pray..a few minute later..the electricity went back to normal and we continue to praise God..and as usual..i take more picture.... after concert..we chat..and fellowship together.. and arrive at home around 1:30am in the morning..
sunday service went well although we dont have any practice..hahahaah..all goreng2... but with the help of God..we can do it!! hehe..yah!!
Monday...hurm...what will happen today.. will continue later..will pray that God will guide me by His Holy Spirit and protect me with his angel...AMEN!
tut@@
wah..long time din update..should do it everyday..heheh..ok..let see..whats the topic aa?? ermm.. internship training was great..people are friendly and some are not as they like to scold people which people do not know nothing..pa tah lagi..adeh..majority women..gosipping here and there..huhuhu..biarla..malas mau gago..heheh..learn a lot in design..but sadly i not really into design nemore..because i like photography more..life very nice and blessed..me and adik pun ok..helping him up with some project..maklum la bru blajar..just bought my flash..cant wait for it to arrive..wat else...this weekend got one voice concert..cant wait to rock for God...and more picture to come..hehehe
mood...
i have a bad mood today...and feel ashamed by a person who very selfish.. just because doesnt have mood and simply said: u go yourself,i don't have mood...
if u already promise about the prog..just do it..don't because u dont have mood and spoilt everything and make things more suck..adui...tension..up to u then... and don't regret..
new year. 2010
Shalom..
didnt update my blog such a long time.. just got back from my Hometown (Kuching,Sarawak)..
although its a short holiday..but a lot of memory
went back to kuching on the 18 december 2009.pick up by family at the airport around 9 p.m, my flight delay for one hours and i just sit and wait like stupid people at the lcct airport,look at people..people look at me :P..my heart already fly earlier than me to Kuching..ahaks..
arrive at home..see my house just finish renovated and more bigger and i cant even find my own room..huhuh..turn my pc on..on9 and chit chat with friends..and i got sms from don to help him in Children Christmas Party on the 19 which is the next day..i just answer yes..heheh..then feel tired go and take my rest and sleep..
19 december 2009
woke up at 9 am... sms romena to follow me go to church and at the same time go to myshop printing to print Fr. Dennis farewell dinner banner...sms don not to pick me up to church..hehe..arrive at church..nothing much change..just a more silent church with the old people drunk behind the church..shame2..emm..after helping don..me and romena go to gift shop to buy some gifts to a children in Bratak Bau which they will have their christmas party onn sunday...at the evening..heheh the time that have been waited for two month...bm service prac with the team in the list..hahahah...very happy to meet all of them..last minute prac..but it was ok..although im the only person have to sing..all worship leader cant come to the prac..ok..end..thats is the blast whole day at church..tiring..huhu..
20 december
sunday..and bm service was great..the musician come early..thanks to all of them for the great effort..huhu..the afternoon go to church again..pick up pris to don house..we prac for Fr. Dennis farewell dinner..till night..emm..everything was ok..and the farewell dinner was fill with joy,happy,sad and tears..
21 december
what i was doing that time?? hurmm
sambung tomorrow..hhuhuhu
Church Antagonists (nice book)will find it ..
Church Antagonists
Can’t Live With Them, Can Live Without Them
Over 1,000 people had crowded into the sanctuary of a California church to celebrate Pastor Smith’s installation. He had successfully served a congregation in Oklahoma for 15 years and was looking forward to the opportunities and challenges of his new pastorate.
Early in his ministry in Oklahoma, Pastor Smith had weathered a vicious attack from an antagonist. Fortunately, the situation had been handled with a limited amount of damage, the antagonist had left the congregation, and the congregation had thrived during the remainder of his years there.
Life is good, the pastor thought as he entered the fellowship hall for a reception after the service. He gazed over the crowd gathered for the festivities. That’s when he saw them. The Oklahoma antagonist and his wife had traveled 1,500 miles to attend the installation and sow discrediting rumors about him.
Antagonism is a painful reality in many congregations. It leaves in its wake broken lives and people who are hurt, discouraged, and apathetic toward their new life in Christ. Words can hardly express the tragedy of antagonism in the church. A broken world ought to be able to echo the words of Tertullian, “See how they love one another.” Instead, the scenes played out in public lead people to say, “They fight more than the rest of us put together.”
Many church members — even pastors — find it hard to believe there are people in their congregation who wantonly, selfishly, and destructively attack others. These attacks can mean repeated disruption of boards, committees, even the ministry of the entire congregation.
We must not confuse antagonism with mere criticism or healthy conflict. People sometimes used the word antagonists to describe those on different sides in an argument. For healthy conflict the church would do well to adopt the terminology of the British Parliament, calling those with differing opinions the honorable opposition. This is not the intended use of antagonism in this article. Antagonism is unhealthy conflict, and antagonists are not honorable people.
If you already have someone in mind you think might qualify as an antagonist, ask yourself:
- Is this person’s behavior divisive?
- Is the attack irrational?
- Does the person go out of the way to initiate trouble?
- Are the person’s demands insatiable?
- Are the concerns upon which he bases the attack minimal or fabricated?
- Does the person avoid causes that involve personal risk, suffering, or sacrifice?
- Does his motivation appear selfish?
If you answered yes to several of these questions, you have enough evidence to suggest you have an antagonist on your hands, and you need to take a closer look.
Who Are Antagonists?
Antagonists are not just misguided and misunderstood people. They are out to hurt others, and they do. Sooner or later most individuals and congregations encounter antagonists. In addition to churches, they turn up at school board meetings and in health-care settings. You find them among parents at Little League games or band booster associations. They disrupt neighborhood associations, fraternities and sororities, as well as volunteer organizations. In short, they can be anywhere.
Antagonists, although few in number, have the potential for disproportionately disrupting or destroying the ministry of any congregation, as well as the peace of mind and well-being of everyone in the congregation.
The word antagonists is defined and used throughout this article in this way: Antagonists are individuals who, on the basis of nonsubstantive evidence, go out of their wayto make insatiable demands,usually attacking the person or performance of others. These attacks areselfish in nature, tearing down rather than building up, and are frequently directed against those in leadership.
Some key phrases in this definition deserve closer attention.
Nonsubstantive evidence
The arguments that antagonists present are typically founded on little — or grossly misrepresented — evidence. They tend to quibble over trifles, providing strong proof of irrelevant points, or exaggerate the positions of their opponents. A favorite tactic is to make an assertion that cannot be disproved and then claim that the inability to disprove it makes it true.
Go out of their way
Antagonists initiate trouble; they do not wait for trouble to come along. This often goes hand-in-hand with hypersensitivity on their part. They tend to take every word and action as a personal attack and respond aggressively. For example, their response to something seemingly as minor as your being preoccupied and passing them in the hallway without speaking could result in an attack. Antagonists would rather cause trouble than give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
Insatiable demands
Antagonists are never satisfied. No amount of appeasement on your part or the congregation as a whole will suffice. Instead of calming antagonists, attempts to placate them only encourage them to make more demands. Many antagonists fight until there is nothing left but rubble. Sometimes even that doesn’t stop them.
Attacking
Harsh as the word attacking is, it accurately applies to antagonists. Although they may present some valid points, antagonists generally don’t offer constructive criticism. Their implicit goal is control, no matter what it costs others.
Selfish in nature
The attacks of antagonists are self-serving. They often seize on a slogan or pick some side of a valid issue and pretend that is what they are fighting for. It rarely is. An antagonist will quickly drop a particular slogan or issue once it no longer serves his ambitions.
Tearing down rather than building up
When people are at odds with each other, it is the result of an antagonist’s actions. Instead of pulling God’s people together, an antagonist divides them. Show me a divided and strife-torn congregation, and I will show you a congregation that has one or more antagonists in its midst.
At times most of us are selfish or headstrong. Without excusing such behavior, we can be sure that occasional surly behavior does not make an antagonist. What separates us from antagonists is the ferociousness of the attacks and the insatiable or tenacious quality that drags out problems interminably.
Why Does Antagonism Happen In Congregations?
Antagonists surface in congregations because of their own natures, the support they receive from others, and the structure of congregations.
The nature of antagonists
Antagonists exist in the church because they exist everywhere. If they were not antagonistic in your congregation, they would be antagonistic at another church, at work, at the PTA, or any place they frequent. They are antagonistic by nature. Antagonism is part of their psychological makeup; it’s part of their personality. (See sidebar Types of Antagonists.)
Support from others
Antagonists tend to attract followers because most people have a tendency to follow powerful leaders. But those who actively support antagonists allow this tendency to blind them. The assistance of these followers accounts in part for the escalation of antagonistic conflict in congregations from teapot tempests to the level of devastating typhoons.
The structure of congregations
For too long, antagonists have operated successfully in congregations. They find that their risks in a congregation are relatively small with few repercussions because people don’t believe they have the right to stop them. Many Christians believe they are to love one another at all costs, to live peaceably with each other, and not to confront another Christian.
Because congregations are often relatively small, antagonists also find them ideal places to gain the attention they crave. In the small and friendly fishbowl of a congregation, antagonists more easily fill their need for attention — the need to be a big fish.
Antagonists often flourish in congregations because church is where issues are openly prayed about, preached about, studied, and discussed. Tensions over doctrinal points and practical issues can be healthy and will be part of church life until Christ returns. However, when an antagonist takes hold of such issues, the result is often destructive and divisive.
Since we are all human, won’t there always be conflict in congregations? The simple answer is yes. On a values scale, conflict is neutral. It can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, creative or destructive. Antagonism makes up only a small percentage of the wide range of conflict that exists in congregations. But recent literature in the area of conflict resolution recognizes that there are individuals who initiate and thrive on unhealthy conflict, persons who have no desire whatsoever to see conflict resolved. These are true antagonists.
What Does The Bible Say About Antagonists?
Antagonists are not a new phenomenon, a development in the church of the last few decades. The Bible speaks straightforwardly about their existence and motivations, their effects, and the necessary treatment.
Causes of antagonism
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12).
The spiritual forces that stand in rebellion against God and God’s claim on people lie behind — indeed, precipitate — the behavior of antagonists. Antagonists play into the hands of forces that are intent on destroying the healing and caring mission of the church. The fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22,23) ought to characterize the life of a Christian community. But antagonists sow seeds of bitterness, anger, and hatred. The tragedy is that not only are the antagonists in the grip of evil forces, they also enjoy it. Because an antagonist refuses to participate in church life as a repentant and forgiven sinner but insists on the way of hatred and strife, his presence means trouble for a congregation.
Effects of antagonism on the church
“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35).
When arguing and antagonism wrack a congregation, its witness to the God of love is destroyed. Antagonists choose not to live out the love of Christ. Strife is introduced in love’s place, and with strife goes jealousy and anger. The primary effect of antagonism on God’s people is destruction. Visible expressions of the unconditional love of Christ are among the first casualties of active antagonism. Antagonism destroys the unique, loving witness of Christians and the vitality of the congregation, calling forth God’s anger.
Treatment for antagonism
“I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them” (Romans 16:17).
This is always the first step toward dealing with antagonism: watch out for it, be aware of it. The apostle Paul did not leave to his readers’ imaginations whom they were to watch. They were to watch for those who created dissension and caused divisions.
The Bible speaks definitively about the final treatment for those who persist in causing division and heartache in the church: “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned” (Titus 3:10,11).
Dismissing someone should not be done lightly. But the wordshave nothing to do with him are a clear-cut response to an individual who persists in divisiveness after the first and second warnings. Paul told Titus not to engage in extensive attempts to smooth things over with the troublemaker; he was simply to avoid having anything to do with that person.
The apostolic guideline is clear: When confronted with an antagonist, face the probability that change simply will not occur. He is “self-condemned.” Stay away from that person.
How Can I Recognize An Antagonist?
Most antagonists will come at you proudly waving red flags. Chapter 8 in my book, Antagonists in the Church: How To Identify and Deal With Destructive Conflict, describes 20 red flags that announce the presence of an antagonist. Even one of these red flags should signal the pastor to be alert. Here are a few of the most significant red flags.
Previous track record flag
Some antagonists will wave a red flag announcing: “See how antagonistically I behaved before.” If you discover that person in your congregation has attacked one or more pastors or other people in the past, watch out. It is sometimes tempting to think you will be immune to attack because you try to be a good pastor. This is dangerous thinking. Antagonists do not exempt good pastors from their attacks.
Parallel track record flag
Individuals who behave antagonistically in other arenas — civic gatherings or the workplace — are prime candidates for becoming active antagonists in the church. They may even gloat about their antagonistic behaviors. You might expect these people to keep quiet about their involvement in destructive conflict, but they often do not. Because of their grandiose natures, they are often convinced that no one could possibly disagree with them.
“Nameless others” flag
Be alert if someone criticizes you and couples the criticism with “and others agree with me about this.” Those who are not antagonists don’t need to talk about others who feel the same way; they simply express their own thoughts and feelings. To test it out, ask who the others are. If the person lists a few names, you probably are not facing an antagonist. On the other hand, an antagonist is more likely to answer: “I can’t tell you. They came to me in the strictest of confidence.”
Predecessor-downer flag
Steer clear of the person who cozies up to you with inside information about how worthless or ineffectual your predecessor was. If he flatters you while criticizing your predecessor, be wary. He is waving a scarlet flag.
Church-hopper flag
Keep an eye on someone who consistently moves from one congregation to another. Any reasonable person tries out several churches before settling on one. But someone who moves from church to church — and never has anything good to say about other congregations — is not looking for the church that best matches his beliefs and practices. Watch out.
Flashing $$$ flag
Anyone who conspicuously uses money to draw attention to himself has a better-than-average chance of being an antagonist. Churches are ideal places for antagonists to demonstrate this characteristic. An antagonist is likely to make a special contribution to a particular program, and he will be sure his contribution is visible to all. As a church leader, you might be tempted to disregard the flashing $$$ flag. The need is always great. But be careful not to sell out for money. The long-term costs are too great.
Avoid making snap judgments about people, but remember that for the sake of the congregation and God’s mission and ministry, discernment is necessary. People who wave these red flags merit close scrutiny. After some consideration, you may relax, or you may decide to pay closer attention.
What Are The Warning Signs Of An Imminent Attack?
Just as antagonists reveal themselves by their red flags, they also exhibit warning signs that telegraph their intentions to begin an attack.
Early warning signs
By being alert to the early signals of an antagonist’s attack, you can minimize potential damage by dealing effectively with the person before major problems erupt.
A chill in the relationship. When a person who has been exhibiting red flags changes his manner of relating to you, beware. An icy coldness or blatant rudeness, especially in group situations, is often an initial sign of an antagonistic attack.
Honeyed concerns. As an antagonist begins activity, he might pay you a visit or send you a letter of concern. Consider the visit or letter as only the opening volley. More will follow — how much more depends on your response to these initial moves.
Nettlesome questions. A red flag might begin by asking a number of picky questions, checking out details like, “Where do we buy our computer paper?” or “How many times did the board meet last year?” You may find yourself feeling nettled as the antagonist becomes a constant fly-in-the-ointment, often checking out things that aren’t any of his business.
Mobilizing forces and pot-stirring. To wage an effective campaign, an antagonist must gather support and create discord, conflict, and doubt. He might try any number of approaches to accomplish this end. The behavior could be as innocuous as whispering to others during a committee meeting. The antagonist might also call unofficial meetings, usually not held at the church. He might flood the congregation with rumors, destructive, insinuating gossip strategically directed against key people. As a result, others could indeed become critical, swept along in the antagonist’s wake. The force of numbers may give you pause: Could something be wrong with me or my leadership? Ask yourself that question, but don’t be overly introspective if the source of the confusion is someone who has been waving a number of red flags.
Resistance. You might detect growing resistance from a red-flag person — openly ridiculing the leadership of the congregation, defying your authority as pastor or lay leader, blocking the approval of certain matters that ordinarily glide through the governing machinery with ease. An antagonist may also exhibit passive resistance, such as withdrawing from an activity while making a public issue of it — emphasizing that his nonparticipation is connected with the concerns he is expressing about the church.
Later warning signs
Antagonists are not stamped from the same mold. Nevertheless, from the diversity of their behaviors certain patterns emerge. A partial list follows, describing typical behaviors of antagonists when their attacks are well under way. If you encounter an active antagonist, you will witness at least some of these characteristic behaviors.
Sloganeering. Antagonists often use one or more emotionally laden slogans to spread troublesome dissension. For example, “Pastor John is a good man, but just not right for this congregation.”
Accusing. When an antagonist’s concerns are no longer sugarcoated, you might hear: “You are never (or always) in the office.” Or, “You are too old (or too young) to adequately meet the needs of this congregation.”
Spying. In more or less obvious ways, an antagonist may begin to spy on you. He might telephone to where you are or even follow you. Antagonists sometimes tape-record their phone conversations. A wise rule is: Be as noncommittal as possible when talking on the telephone with a red-flag person.
Distorting. Antagonists frequently distort reports of incidents, leaving grains of truth to maintain credibility. For example, if one of the deacons becomes slightly vexed during the course of a meeting, an antagonist might comment to someone: “Did you see how John blew up. Such a lack of control cast a cloud over the entire meeting. How was a person like that ever elected?”
Misquoting Scripture. Antagonists frequently misquote the Bible to prove their campaigns or behaviors are legitimate. By excising passages from their contexts, imparting their own idiosyncratic meanings to words, or using various other methods, they appeal to a congregation’s loyalty to Scripture, falsely equating their causes with the Bible itself.
Smirking. An antagonist might wear an inappropriate smile or a cocky grin when he encounters the person under attack. Such a smirk says, “I’ve got you on the run.” It is infuriating, but will gratify the antagonist only if you allow its effect to be perceived. Smirks and other mean-spirited facial expressions may take place in meetings, too.
Pestering. Antagonists sometimes pester church leaders by constantly calling on the phone or by hanging around after a service or a meeting, saying, “I’djust like a brief word with you.” Their constant pestering substantiates the tenacious character of an antagonist.
Copiously communicating. Antagonists frequently barrage leaders with e-mails, memos, or even letters. Acknowledge these at first — perhaps with a very brief phone call or by sending a response such as this:
Dear _______,
Thank you for your concern. I appreciate responsible feedback.
(Signed or initialed)
One of the most counterproductive courses of action is to respond at length in a long letter refuting the antagonist’s accusations point by point. That only adds fuel to the antagonist’s fire rather than quenching it.
Here is a fundamental assumption about antagonists that you need to apply as a guiding principle in dealing with them: Normal ways of dealing with conflict and criticism not only do not work with antagonists but make things worse. Once you make this adjustment in your thinking, much of the battle is won.
Sources of information
Knowledge about the warning signs is helpful, but you may still be wondering how you can gather the information you need to tell whether or not an attack is about to begin.
Keep your eyes and ears open. Be aware of what is happening around you. If you know the 20 red flags of an antagonist and can recognize when someone is waving one or more flags, you have a major advantage.
Pay attention to the observations of trusted church members. When people you trust and respect make assertions about those whom you might have already recognized as red-flag wavers, you would be well-advised to consider what they say.
Ask questions. Take care how you do this. You need to be extremely sensitive to the time, place, occasion, and recipient of your questions. A trusted board member who has served faithfully for many years may have observed something. Ask, but be discreet and caring.
Trust your sixth sense. Sometimes you may sense that something is wrong — a vague uneasiness that a certain individual cannot be trusted. Don’t become overly suspicious, but at the same time grant your sixth sense a fair hearing.
Whatever you do, keep your eyes and ears open. Don’t close your eyes and hope that what you don’t like will go away. It won’t.
What Is The Best Way To Deal With An Antagonist?
In the face of Christ’s commands to love our enemies and turn the other cheek, pastors and lay leaders are sometimes confused and baffled as they have tried to deal effectively with antagonists. Pastors are often torn between wanting to minister to the antagonists out of vulnerable love or attacking that person with the full force of law and judgment. Pastors begin to feel ineffective and defenseless. They may even begin to feel that almost everyone in the congregation is against them and that their ministry has been compromised.
Even beyond the harm done to the pastor, an antagonist’s attack is very destructive to the whole congregation. The church’s lay leadership often spends many wasted hours in attending meetings, writing letters, making phone calls, or preparing documents — all to deal with one person or a group of people stirred up by that person. Occasionally, the vindictive spirit is allowed to fester until it pervades the congregation. People become hurt, indignant, and apathetic. Some stop contributing money to the church, thinking that they want their contributions used for doing ministry, not just fighting. Others end up transferring their membership. The conflict has gone on so long they no longer feel their spiritual needs are being met at the church.
To avoid the damage an antagonist can generate in your congregation, it is important to act quickly when you see antagonistic activity begin.
Nipping the problem
When antagonists attack, they usually want power and authority — your power and authority. Your response needs to show that this authority is indeed still yours, and you do not plan to give it up.
As the attack broadens, an antagonist may begin to publicly call you names and make senseless charges, trying to make you fight back. The greatest show of your power is to avoid falling into such a trap. Do not immediately return the attack; do not wonder aloud how anyone could say such stupid things; do not do anything. In this way, you will show you are above such tactics and you do not think such accusations worthy of response. Open confrontations are not desirable. An emotional public scene lessens your authority and gives credence to the antagonist. Power is shown by calm, controlled action, working through committees and other established channels.
While refusing to respond to an antagonist’s irrational attacks can effectively remove credence from those attacks, the time may come when, by actively using your authority, you can nip the problem. For instance, if an antagonist is using a biblical passage inaccurately as the basis for criticizing you, use your authority to say, “That is not a correct interpretation of that passage.” Do not argue about the interpretation. Rather, if necessary repeat again that it is an incorrect interpretation and, in as few words as possible, give the correct interpretation.
Pastors may want to prevent the antagonist from achieving any positions of power in the congregation. If the antagonist already has a position of power and threatens to quit, accept his resignation. It is best not to let the fox keep watch over the chicken coop.
Sometimes antagonists become so angry their attacks continue with increased vehemence. This is time to deal with them quickly and effectively.
Dealing effectively with antagonists
With the turmoil and confusion an antagonist produces, it is tempting for a pastor to begin to believe he is the sole cause of the problem. Remember, the reason an antagonist is attacking you and your ministry is usually not your fault; the reasons lie deep within the antagonist. You are just the recipient of his anger and hostility.
Educate your church leadership about antagonists so they can help you deal with the problem. The church is under attack, not just you. When the pastor and church leadership work together, they can form an effective defense against the antagonist. Antagonists can only be successful if there are people who believe and support them. Forming a phalanx with the congregation’s leadership can help eliminate any support for the antagonist.
Your public image — the way your congregation sees you while under attack — should be one of business as usual. In your dealings in the congregation, be consistent, responsible, and self-controlled. Don’t politic. Don’t use your pastoral visits as an opportunity to convince people of the rightness of your cause. That will only cause confusion and resentment.
Neither should you use your public communications as media for bringing up the problem with the antagonist. Sermons are for proclaiming the gospel and building up the body of Christ, not for defending oneself or for subtly reprimanding someone. Church bulletins, newsletters, and other communications should not reflect any anxiety nor be used to obliquely refer to the problem. If you begin to speak about the controversy with any degree of concern, you are admitting weakness to your attackers as well as dragging your congregation through the gutter.
Avoiding the compassion trap is also vital for a pastor under attack. Many pastors thrive on the acceptance and gratitude they receive from those to whom they minister. They see themselves as all-giving servants of their people. They may feel guilty if they must be confrontive and hard. Combined with this is the fact church members often expect their pastors to be superhumanly compassionate and willing to suffer. All of these factors may cause pastors to be compassionate with an antagonist rather than challenging his destructive behaviors. Church members may even try to convince their pastor to apologize to the antagonist in an effort to make peace. However, this kind of compassion almost never works with antagonists. They will often take this as a sign of weakness and redouble their attacks. When you are asked to step into the compassion trap, simply refuse by saying, “It will not work.”
The time may come when all efforts to control the activity of an antagonist are to no avail. The antagonist’s attack continues, and the church is being split by his efforts. In this situation, there are two more options: the pastor may resign or the antagonist may be removed.
If the pastor resigns, the problem has not been solved. The congregation not only loses a good, experienced pastor, but the antagonist will still be present, ready to attack the next pastor who comes, as well as the next, and on and on. (See sidebar When Leaving Is Necessary.)
Sometimes an antagonist’s attack reaches the point where a decision has to be made between excluding that person from the church or having very little church left. The antagonist’s behavior has to be such that the church bylaws mandate removal. The extreme measure of removing the antagonist is a last resort, a step that must be approached with fear and trembling — and much prayer. This is a hard step to take, but it is sometimes necessary to ensure the stability of the congregation.
Preventing Antagonism
A single antagonist in a congregation can so affect the pastor and church leaders that they expend what seems to be 90 percent of their time and energy dealing with that person and the havoc he raises. Prevention is the best cure. The two primary avenues of prevention are creating an antiantagonist environment and educating church leadership about antagonism.
Create an antiantagonist environment
When effective policies and procedures are in place for church administration, an antagonist has less chance of wreaking havoc in a congregation. Several measures can go a long way toward creating this environment.
Follow established policies. Everyone should follow established congregational policies and procedures. Leaders must never practice or tolerate corner-cutting because these procedures are safeguards against antagonists.
Establish functional feedback channels. Establish and use clear channels of communication. Two-way, open communication between church leaders and members is vital. To facilitate this, leaders must clearly explain to the congregation appropriate channels of communication — and reiterate them frequently. When clearly spelled-out means of response are available, an antagonist who blatantly disregards them is more easily detected and exposed.
Create job descriptions. Clear job descriptions create an unfavorable environment for antagonists. Pastors, elders, deacons, church board chairpersons, and others in positions of authority need to clearly understand their jobs and their relationships with other leaders. Church members need to be apprised of this as well. The risks of encouraging unhealthy conflict will then diminish.
Establish a broad base of responsibility. A strong, broad base of authority in matters of administration and program can do much to thwart antagonistic attacks. When a single individual holds power in a congregation, a one-on-one struggle (usually antagonist versus pastor) often results. When an antagonist realizes that power is carefully distributed among a group of people, then he will think twice before instigating trouble.
Discipline as necessary. Functional disciplinary measures are also essential to maintaining an antiantagonist environment. Congregations in which discipline is minimal or absent tend to encourage antagonists. The crucial factor is this: Whatever your denomination or congregational procedures are about discipline, follow them.
Establish a united front. Church staff and lay leaders must maintain a united front with no room for backbiting or unhealthy friction. An antagonist will discover unhealthy conflict among leaders and use it. A united front does not mean agreement on all things but, instead, the mutual respect and support of others in their roles.
Educate church leadership about antagonism
Education equips people to do what must be done, no matter how uncomfortable the task — and few tasks are more uncomfortable than dealing with antagonists. Education about antagonists falls into two categories: general and specific.
General education. Prevention is the first purpose of general education. The goal of general education is to communicate an understanding of the dynamics of antagonism and ways to handle it effectively. Include as many church staff and lay leaders as possible in the process. When church leaders are cognizant of antagonists’ ploys, they are better equipped to lead. The second purpose is to provide a foundation for specific education when or if it becomes necessary.
Specific education. This educates leaders about specific individuals who are beginning to behave antagonistically. You are not talking about the subject of antagonism; you are talking about specific people. Specific education differs from general education with respect to audience. Specific education is only for leaders who bear legitimate responsibility for the problem. If your congregation assigns a separate committee or board to handle disciplinary issues, members of that board, along with those directly involved in the attack, might be the ones to receive specific education.
The purpose of specific education is twofold: First, leaders are enabled to assess accurately the particular situation. Second, specific education paves the way for planning strategies to solve the problem, ultimately permitting the appropriate leaders to deal with the situation.
Conclusion
Whose problem is antagonism? It’s everyone’sproblem. In the ark of salvation, that is the church, no one can afford to say, “Your end of the boat is sinking.” An attitude that “We are all in this together” provides an immensely powerful, effective antidote to the disruptive poison of antagonism.
A congregation is uniquely structured to undertake this obligation because a church is a Body — Christ’s body — and is considerably more than the sum of its parts. It resembles an organism more than an organization, pulsing with the very life of Jesus flowing through its members by means of the Holy Spirit.
Antagonism is like a virulent disease in the body. A body cannot regard attack on a single part as an inconsequential threat requiring no response by other parts. Antagonism poses a threat not only to an isolated organ but to the entire organism which suffers until the disease is overcome. The whole body must work to overcome it.
Overcoming antagonism is not a hopeless cause. Learning skills for dealing with antagonists and methods for preventing their attacks is a source of hope. Most important, the church is the Lord’s. He has called it into being, and He will not fail it. This is hope beyond measure.
September~~
Its been while i didn't update my blog bcause i been bz for my final exam and assignment..it was really fun..all the lecturer was great for this sem( thanks to Pn. Suhana 3D lecturer,Mr Sailendra Personal Development,Ms. Shaszra, English,Mr Arman Understanding Business..and Now!! holiday..but at the same time have to think bout my final project and will present by next year..hopefully =) i need to do the best bcause the judges for our project is outsiders..not our college lecturer..a bit scare now...last sem student get a bad smack from the judges until some of them cry..adui...Oh yea.. i forgot..bout my pendrive..i lost it in class...still sad bout that two pendrive..huhu but i already bought new one...hehehe..i like it too..i think thats all for now...bye..
God Says You Are Forgiven
Posted: 26 Aug 2009 03:24 AM PDT
By Rick Warren“I am the God who forgives your sins, and I do this because of who I am. I will not hold your sins against you” (Isaiah 43:25 TEV).
Some of us, even though we’re believers, think whenever we’re having problems that God’s getting even with us; that God’s just trying to get back at us.
It’s like the guy who was driving up to a mountain lake and on the way up it starts snowing, so he gets out to put chains on his tires. While he’s doing this, another car comes along and slams into his car. And he watches in horror as his car goes over a cliff.
He continues up the mountain on foot, in the snow and sleet, and he’s getting sick from the cold. Then, as he rounds a corner, he sees that his cabin has burned down. He starts hitting his head against the wall, and asks, “Why me, God.” The heavens part and a voice says, “Because some people just tick me off.”
Some of you really feel that is the way God feels about you. You think that whenever you’ve got a problem, God is ticked off. But the Bible says, “I am the God who forgives your sins, and I do this because of who I am. I will not hold your sins against you” (Isaiah 43:25 TEV). God doesn’t hold a grudge. If you have received Jesus as your Savior, then there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. He doesn't rub it in, he rubs it out. He doesn’t rehearse it, he releases it.
The Secret to Managing Frustrations
Posted: 27 Aug 2009 03:33 AM PDT
By Rick Warren
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience…” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV).
It’s amazing how fifteen minor frustrations at the office can add up to one big, bad attitude by the time you head for home. Frustrations come in three varieties:
1. Interruptions: Unexpected visitors or phone calls when you have a deadline to meet or something important requires your attention. Our best plans are often interrupted.
2. Inconveniences: While interruptions are usually from people, inconveniences are usually situations involving things: the copy machine breaks down, traffic jams up, or you can’t find what you need when you need it.
3. Irritations: Long delays, unreliable people, playing telephone tag, catching a cold, obnoxious clients, etc.
But the truth is you can’t eliminate these. No doubt you’ll face all three varieties this week, but you can keep them from stressing you out.
What’s the secret of managing your frustrations?
Don’t resist it, but don’t overreact or blow up. Don’t resent it; don’t internalize you anger. Don’t resign to it; don’t have a pity-party.
Instead, reduce it. Treat it as insignificant. Put the frustration into proper perspective. It’s just a minor setback, a part of living, no big deal! It’s certainly not worth a heart attack. Follow these rules for stress management:
• RULE #1: Don’t sweat the small stuff.
• RULE #2: Realize it’s all small stuff!
The Bible says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience…” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV). The only way we can see all stuff as small stuff is to view it from God’s perspective. When I am in tune with God, I remember he has everything under control even though I don’t! So I don’t have to sweat it: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV).
Pray this prayer: “Lord, help me to be filled with your love, joy, and peace, so that when I’m squeezed and pressured it is your love, joy, and peace that spill out of me.”
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience…” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV).
It’s amazing how fifteen minor frustrations at the office can add up to one big, bad attitude by the time you head for home. Frustrations come in three varieties:
1. Interruptions: Unexpected visitors or phone calls when you have a deadline to meet or something important requires your attention. Our best plans are often interrupted.
2. Inconveniences: While interruptions are usually from people, inconveniences are usually situations involving things: the copy machine breaks down, traffic jams up, or you can’t find what you need when you need it.
3. Irritations: Long delays, unreliable people, playing telephone tag, catching a cold, obnoxious clients, etc.
But the truth is you can’t eliminate these. No doubt you’ll face all three varieties this week, but you can keep them from stressing you out.
What’s the secret of managing your frustrations?
Don’t resist it, but don’t overreact or blow up. Don’t resent it; don’t internalize you anger. Don’t resign to it; don’t have a pity-party.
Instead, reduce it. Treat it as insignificant. Put the frustration into proper perspective. It’s just a minor setback, a part of living, no big deal! It’s certainly not worth a heart attack. Follow these rules for stress management:
• RULE #1: Don’t sweat the small stuff.
• RULE #2: Realize it’s all small stuff!
The Bible says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience…” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV). The only way we can see all stuff as small stuff is to view it from God’s perspective. When I am in tune with God, I remember he has everything under control even though I don’t! So I don’t have to sweat it: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV).
Pray this prayer: “Lord, help me to be filled with your love, joy, and peace, so that when I’m squeezed and pressured it is your love, joy, and peace that spill out of me.”
Gaya Komunikasi
Ada orang-orang tertentu yang seolah-olah dilahirkan untuk menjadi orang yang sukses dalam pergaulan. Dengan mudahnya mereka dapat menjalin persahabatan setiap bertemu dengan teman yang baru. Bukan itu saja, persahabatan mereka pun biasanya bertahan sampai kekal. Sebaliknya, ada pula orang-orang yang justru mengalami kesukaran dalam pergaulan. Tema "disalah mengerti" merupakan tema pokok hidup mereka meski mereka tak henti-hentinya berusaha mengoreksi diri. Banyak faktor yang terlibat yang menyebabkan keberhasilan atau kegagalan kita dalam pergaulan, salah satunya adalah gaya kita berkomunikasi.
Tanpa kita sadari, sebenarnya gaya komunikasi itu sendiri adalah bagian dari isi berita yang kita komunikasikan. Pada umumnya orang yang sukses dalam pergaulan bukan saja memahami dampak gaya komunikasinya pada orang lain, ia pun telah berhasil mengubahnya menjadi gaya komunikasi yang luwes dan menyenangkan. Gaya komunikasinya bukan saja tidak mengganggu isi berita yang ingin ia sampaikan, malah gayanya yang luwes itu menambah kekuatan atau bahkan adakalanya melengkapi kekurangan isi berita yang ingin ia kemukakan. Di bawah ini saya mencoba menjabarkan TUJUH GAYA KOMUNIKASI YANG TIDAK SEHAT. Mudah-mudahan dapat menolong kita memperbaiki keterampilan yang sangat penting ini.
Gaya 1: Si Penganggap
Ungkapan yang biasanya terlontar dari dirinya adalah, "Saudara seharusnya sudah mengerti maksud saya." Si Penganggap umumnya melakukan satu kesalahan yang cukup serius dalam komunikasi, yakni menganggap orang lain pasti memahami isi hatinya. Sebelum kita menganggap orang lain sudah menangkap maksud kita, kita perlu mengecek ulang, apakah benar ia sudah memahami pembicaraan kita. Gaya komunikasi seperti ini acap kali membuahkan kekecewaan dan bahkan kemarahan.
Gaya 2: Si Sepenggal
Orang ini berpikir, "Bukankah sudah saya katakan semuanya itu?!" namun sesungguhnya yang terjadi adalah ia memang belum mengemukakan seluruh pikirannya — baru sepenggal saja. Sewaktu kita berbicara, kecepatan pikiran kita bergerak dari satu topik ke topik yang lainnya tidaklah sama dengan kecepatan lidah kita mengungkapkan isi pikiran itu sendiri. Bagi Si Sepenggal, pikirannya bergerak telalu cepat atau lidahnya terlalu lamban sehingga maksud hatinya tidak tertuang sepenuhnya melalui bahasa ucapan. Masalahnya ialah, ia tidak menyadari hal ini, sehingga dalam benaknya, ia sudah mengatakan semua yang ingin ia sampaikan. Si Sepenggal rentan terhadap frustasi karena komunikasinya menjadi terpotong-potong dan sudah tentu, membuka pintu terhadap kesalahpahaman.
Gaya 3: Si Peremeh
Ucapan Si Peremeh pada umumnya ditandai dengan kalimat sejenis ini, "Kenapa tidak mengerti-mengerti?" atau "Memang bodoh kamu!" Si Peremeh memiliki satu masalah yang lumayan serius yakni ia memperlakukan semua orang sama seperti dirinya. Alhasil, apabila orang lain tidak bisa mengikuti kemauan atau pikirannya, ia pun marah. Sewaktu marah, bukannya ia melihat bahwa memang orang lain berbeda dengannya, ia justru memandang perbedaan sebagai kekurangan di pihak orang lain. Gaya komunikasi ini cenderung merusakkan hubungan dengan orang lain. Siapa saja yang pernah disakitinya akan menjaga jarak karena tidak mau terluka lagi.
Gaya 4: Si Penyenang
Si Penyenang mempunyai satu misi dalam hidupnya, yakni menyenangkan hati semua orang. Akibatnya, tema seperti ini sering keluar dari bibirnya, "Saya akan lakukan apa saja bagimu asal kamu bahagia." Bicara dengan Si Penyenang memang bisa menyenangkan karena ia akan mengangguk-angguk saja, namun biasanya gaya komunikasi ini dapat mendangkalkan relasi pribadi. Sukar sekali untuk mengetahui hati Si Penyenang karena ia tidak terbuka. Ketidakterbukaannya itu juga cenderung membuatnya menumpuk semua perasaan dalam hati. Kalau tidak tertahankan, ia mudah menjadi orang tertekan dan tidak bahagia.
Gaya 5: Si Pelupa
Kita bisa lupa dan adakalanya sengaja melupakan peristiwa tertentu. Malangnya, Si Pelupa lupa dan melupakan terlalu banyak hal dan frekuensinya terlalu sering. Ia acap kali berujar, "Tidak, saya tidak mengatakan hal itu." Namun kenyataannya ialah ia mengatakan hal tersebut. Baik lupa atau melupakan informasi yang akhirnya dibutuhkan oleh orang lain cenderung melemahkan kepercayaan orang pada dirinya sendiri. Orang lain dapat membentuk anggapan bahwa Si Pelupa meremehkan atau bisa juga, orang lain menilai bahwa Si Pelupa tidak tulus. Ini bahaya! Komunikasi sangat bergantung pada kepercayaan; tanpa itu, yang mendengar adalah suara belaka.
Gaya 6: Si Pendebat
Repot juga berkomunikasi dengan Si Pendebat karena pembicaraan dengannya cenderung menjadi arena balapan kebenaran. Perhatikan kata- kata yang biasanya keluar dari mulutnya, "Apa benar saya berkata demikian? Apa kamu yakin? Bagaimana dengan dirimu sendiri?" Si Pendebat kaya dengan kata-kata dan gaya berkomunikasinya mirip dengan taktik menyerbu orang lain dengan bombardemen kata-kata. Si Pendebat cenderung melemparkan fokus masalah ke pihak lawannya sehingga ia bebas dari kesulitan. Gaya komunikasi ini bisa menimbulkan rasa tidak suka dan jenuh pada orang lain karena bicara dengannya membuat diri merasa diserang. Lebih jauh lagi, Si Pendebat akhirnya membuat orang beranggapan bahwa ia senantiasa mengelak dari tanggung jawabnya.
Gaya 7: Si Talenan
Rasa iba, kasihan, simpati adalah beberapa kata yang sering diasosiasikan dengan Si Talenan karena perasaan-perasaan seperti itulah yang timbul tatkala melihatnya. Si Talenan selalu menyediakan dirinya menjadi sasaran tudingan orang lain tanpa benar-benar menyadari di mana letak kesalahannya (kalau memang ada). Ucapan seperti ini cenderung muncul dari bibirnya, "Betul, memang saya yang salah dan sudah sepantasnya dimarahi." Masalahnya ialah, ia melakukan itu karena tidak berani atau berkekuatan memperhadapkan orang lain dengan kebenaran. Ia tidak suka keributan dan baginya silang pendapat tidaklah bijaksana, jadi, harus dihindarkan. Gaya komunikasi ini sangat merugikan dirinya dan bisa mengundang penghinaan dari orang lain. Orang lain semakin berani berbuat sekehendak hatinya tanpa mempedulikan perasaannya. Namun, bukankah ia jugalah yang memulainya?
Dari penjelasan di atas kita melihat bahwa gaya komunikasi dapat memancarkan kepribadian kita yang sesungguhnya, namun bisa pula merupakan gaya yang dipelajari. Adakalanya untuk mendapatkan penerimaan dari orang lain, kita terpaksa mengikuti gaya komunikasi yang tertentu. Atau kita belajar dari keluarga kita sendiri sehingga kita menganggap gaya komunikasi kita dipahami semua orang, alias universal. Jika gaya komunikasi kita memang merupakan buah kepribadian sendiri, sudah tentu perlu koreksi. Obat penawarnya ada beberapa, misalnya meminta tanggapan orang lain. Mungkin kita dapat memeriksa ucapan-ucapan kita dengan lebih teliti dan menanyakan, apa kira-kira yang orang lain rasakan (bukan kita, sebab kalau kita, mungkin sekali kita tak merasa apa-apa karena sudah terbiasa) tatkala mendengar kata-kata kita. Kita rela membayar mahal dan menanamkan waktu yang panjang untuk pendidikan kita; ironisnya, kita sering tidak bersedia membayar mahal untuk belajar menyehatkan gaya komunikasi kita. Memang, adakalanya hal yang penting tampaknya sederhana.
Lebih Otentik
Pada hari Minggu, 26 November yang lalu, Pendeta Stephen Tong menyampaikan khotbah tentang kerendahan hati, di mana beliau dengan penuh hikmat membahas ciri-ciri yang mencerminkan kerendahan hati. Pada intinya, Dr.Tong menegaskan bahwa kerendahan hati yang kristiani tidaklah terikat pada suatu kumpulan perilaku tertentu yang bersifat lahiriah, melainkan lebih berkenaan dengan sikap batiniah yang diwarnai oleh kematangan hubungan seseorang dengan Tuhan Yesus. Kerendahan hati jauh lebih dalam daripada sekedar penampilan. Oleh karena kerendahan hati bukanlah perkara mudah. Saya teringat akan ucapan Winston Churchill, Perdana Menteri Inggris yang memimpin kerajaan tersebut melalui Perang Dunia II. Ia mengatakan bahwa kerendahan hati adalah suatu hal yang sukar untuk dicapai karena pada waktu seseorang mengaku bahwa ia sudah rendah hati, pada saat itu juga ia sudah tidak lagi rendah hati. Memang muskil namun tidak berarti mustahil.
Menurut saya ungkapan Churchill itu tidak seluruhnya tepat sebab pemahaman yang benar akan kerendahan hati akan memungkinkan seseorang memeriksa dirinya apakah ia sudah rendah hati ataukah belum. Sewaktu Rasul Paulus sedang menasehati jemaat di Filipi agar mereka memelihara kesatuan tubuh Kristus, ia menyelipkan satu resepnya, yakni, "Sebaliknya hendaklah dengan rendah hati yang seorang menganggap yang lain lebih utama daripada dirinya sendiri" (Filipi 2:3b). Saya yakin, jika Tuhan sendiri sudah memerintahkan kepada kita supaya rendah hati, maka Ia pun telah menjabarkannya buat kita apakah rendah hati itu dan bagaimana caranya memiliki sikap hidup yang penuh kerendahan hati. (Dalam khotbahnya itu, Pendeta Tong memaparkan hal ini secara terinci; jadi, siapa yang berminat mempelajarinya lebih jauh, silakan memesan kaset rekamannya dari Lembaga Reformed Injili Indonesia.) Berikut ini saya akan mencoba mengimbuh perihal kerendahan hati ini dengan segala kerendahan hati.
Saya mengamati bahwa acap kali kerendahan hati diminati dan dikejar secara keliru, begitu kelirunya sehingga mengorbankan satu hal yang sangat penting, yaitu penilaian diri yang berimbang. Saya percaya Firman Tuhan yang dicatat dalam Roma 12:3 meneguhkan kembali kehendak-Nya, yakni agar kita mempunyai penilaian diri yang berimbang. Mohon perhatikan dengan seksama bagian firman ini, "Janganlah kamu memikirkan hal-hal yang lebih tinggi daripada yang patut kamu pikirkan, tetapi hendaklah kamu berpikir sedemikian rupa (but rather think of yourself with sober judgment), sehingga kamu menguasai diri menurut ukuran iman yang dikaruniakan Allah kepada kamu masing-masing." Memang tidak seharusnya kita menggelembungkan diri namun sebaliknya Tuhan juga tidak menganjurkan agar kita menggemboskan diri. Ia menghendaki supaya kita dapat melihat dan menilai siapa kita (judgment) dengan penuh kesadaran dan akal sehat (sober). Kecenderungan kita biasanya adalah menggembosi diri karena kita begitu takut dituduh sombong.
Saya mendefinisikan kerendahan hati sebagai kemampuan untuk hidup otentik dan menyangkal diri demi Kristus. Saya akan jelaskan apa yang saya maksud dengan "kemampuan untuk hidup otentik". Otentik berarti asli, di mana apa yang di luar atau yang ditampilkan sama dengan apa yang di dalam atau yang tidak ditampilkan. Jadi, orang yang rendah hati adalah orang yang otentik di mana perbuatan atau perilakunya memang mencerminkan siapa dia sebenarnya. Mari kita sejajarkan kedua hal ini: Yang Di Luar=Yang Di Dalam. Sekarang coba kita goyangkan keseimbangan ini. Misalnya, yang pertama ialah dengan cara membesarkan Yang Di Luar sehingga bobotnya jauh melebihi Yang Di Dalam. Apa yang terjadi? Kesombongan! Apabila kita membesar- besarkan diri sedangkan kita tidaklah seperti yang kita gembar- gemborkan, itu adalah pertanda kita sombong. Sebaliknya, apa yang terjadi jika Yang Di Luar jauh lebih kecil dari Yang Di Dalam? Keminderan! Prestasi yang kita tunjukkan jauh di bawah kemampuan kita yang sesungguhnya. Di sini kita dapat melihat bahwa pada kasus yang pertama hasilnya adalah gejala superioritas sedangkan pada kasus kedua ialah gejala inferioritas.
Alfred Adler, seorang psikoanalis satu generasi di bawah Freud, mempunyai satu teori yang menarik tentang hal superioritas- inferioritas ini. Ia berpandangan bahwa setiap manusia memiliki kekurangan-kekurangan pada dirinya (inferioritas). Oleh sebab itu manusia senantiasa berupaya berjuang untuk menambal kekurangan- kekurangan ini menuju suatu kesempurnaan (superioritas). Bagi Adler, perjuangan untuk menyempurnakan diri sebetulnya suatu hal yang sehat, namun bisa menjadi tidak sehat, bergantung pada keadaan orang itu sendiri. Orang yang neurotik alias terganggu dan ditindih oleh kecemasan akan berjuang mencapai kesempurnaan ini secara tidak sehat. Misalnya, orang yang tidak berkemampuan memimpin namun kebetulan berwewenang memimpin akan melaksanakan tugasnya secara otoriter. Bagi yang sehat, pertama-tama ia akan mengakui kekurangannya tersebut dan kemudian akan berusaha belajar memimpin. Mungkin ia tak akan segan meminta petunjuk orang lain yang lebih berpengalaman dan mengakui kekeliruannya bilamana perlu. Sekarang saya akan coba menerapkan pandangan Adler ini ke dalam pokok pembahasan semula.
Kesombongan (superioritas) dan keminderan (inferioritas) sebagaimana yang telah saya kemukakan tadi sesungguhnya merupakan wujud dari kepribadian yang memang sudah tidak sehat dan berkaitan erat dengan penilaian diri yang tidak berimbang. Saya kira tidak ada orang yang menganggap dirinya sempurna; biasanya selalu saja ada kekurangan yang kita temukan pada diri sendiri. Yang penting ialah menyadari dan mengakui kekurangan kita serta berusaha memperbaikinya secara sehat. Apabila kita tenggelam dalam kekurangan kita, kita mulai masuk ke kolam keminderan. Begitu mindernya sehingga kita tidak bisa lagi mengingat dan menghargai kelebihan kita. Yang terjadi di sini adalah Yang Di Luar lebih kecil daripada Yang Di Dalam. Akibatnya, kita cenderung menganggap diri tidak mampu sehingga semakin hari semakin banyak menciptakan kegagalan. Dengan kata lain, sebelum perang sudah kalah dulu. Sebaliknya dengan kesombongan. Keinginan untuk menyempurnakan kekurangan kita menjadi berlebihan sehingga tidak lagi realistik. Kita gagal melihat kenyataan akan kemampuan kita yang sebenarnya karena telah terobsesi untuk lebih sempurna. Yang terjadi di sini adalah Yang Di Luar jauh melampaui Yang Di Dalam.
Bagi yang berkiblat ke bidang matematika, saya akan menuliskan rumusnya. Orang yang rendah hati ialah orang yang otentik. Otentik adalah Yang Di Luar = Yang Di Dalam. Apabila Yang Di Luar > Yang Di Dalam = Superioritas (Kesombongan). Jika Yang Di Luar < dalam =" Inferioritas">
Tuhan tidak membenci penilaian diri yang positif-yang sepantasnya. Yang Ia benci ialah kecongkakan. Jangan takut mengakui kekurangan, namun juga jangan takut mengakui kelebihan. Dua-duanya tidak membuat kita sempurna; hanya mendorong kita lebih rendah hati-lebih otentik.
Menangani Stres — Sebelum Menjadi Krisis
Kehidupan itu berselang-seling antara masa tenang, masa stres, dan masa krisis. Sebagian besar orang berpikir bahwa kehidupan merupakan suatu irama yang berkesinambungan dari badai krisis menuju ketenangan dan kembali lagi kepada krisis yang lain. Saudara telah mengetahui ciri-ciri krisis yang perlu dipecahkan dalam suatu waktu tertentu. Tetapi stres adalah suatu keadaan yang berbeda dengan krisis. Stres dapat dilihat pada diri seorang ahli bedah yang sedang melakukan pembedahan otak atau pada seorang ibu yang sedang mempersiapkan tiga anaknya untuk ke sekolah. Tingkat stres yang wajar diperlukan untuk mendorong kita maju dalam hidup dan untuk menyelesaikan berbagai hal. Banyak orang memperoleh prestasi terbaik ketika mereka berada dalam keadaan stres, tetapi itu stres yang dapat mereka tangani. Mereka memanfaatkannya dan menjaga agar stres itu tetap dalam batas-batas tertentu.
Stres adalah suatu tipe tindakan atau situasi yang membebani seseorang dengan tuntutan-tuntutan yang berat atau yang bertentangan. Tuntutan itu seringkali mengacaukan keseimbangan tubuh. Stres adalah suatu situasi yang secara kronis mengganggu atau mengacaukan seseorang. Yang merupakan indikator adalah penantian penuh kecemasan atas kejadian-kejadian yang akan datang yang tidak dapat dihindari, dan kemudian perhatian dan pikirannya tersita oleh peristiwa-peristiwa itu selama suatu jangka waktu sesudah peristiwa- peristiwa itu terjadi.
Reaksi manusia berbeda-beda dalam menghadapi tekanan-tekanan di dalam kehidupan. Apa yang bagi seseorang dapat menimbulkan stres, bagi orang lain tidak. Jika terlalu banyak kejadian mendadak terjadi sekaligus, penangggulangan tekanan menjadi lebih sukar. Latar belakang seseorang, struktur neurologinya, dan pengalaman- pengalamannya yang terdahulu dalam menghadapi tekanan, mempengaruhi cara dia memberi tanggapan. Seorang yang kehilangan pekerjaan dapat merasa hancur, tetapi sebaliknya ada orang lain yang kehilangan pekerjaan tetapi ia melihat hal itu sebagai suatu kesempatan untuk maju karena ia dapat menemukan kedudukan baru yang kemungkinan lebih baik.
Bagaimana hubungan stres dengan krisis? Seseorang yang mengalami sejumlah gangguan terus-menerus atau sejumlah gangguan kecil lebih sulit menanggulangi suatu pengalaman krisis yang serius. Sebaliknya jika seseorang dapat belajar bagaimana menanggulangi beberapa situasi khas setiap hari yang berpotensi untuk menimbulkan stres, ia akan diperlengkapi secara lebih baik untuk menangani krisis di dalam kehidupan ini. Di sinilah pengajaran di gereja dapat menjadi suatu pelayanan pencegahan stres. Sudah menjadi tugas kita untuk menolong anggota gereja dalam menanggulangi stres dengan suatu cara yang positif, yaitu dengan mengenal hal-hal yang dapat menyebabkan stres di dalam kehidupan mereka. Kemudian mempersiapkan diri untuk menghadapi beberapa hal yang biasanya menyebabkan stres dengan mengembangkan pandangan alkitabiah dalam hidup.
Apakah sebenarnya yang menyebabkan stres? Ada beberapa faktor. Saya menganjurkan Anda untuk melihat gejala-gejala ini dalam orang-orang yang Anda beri konseling dan yang Anda ajak bicara di gereja Anda. Pokok-pokok di bawah ini dapat dijelaskan dan disampaikan waktu Anda mengajar atau berkhotbah. Sumber-sumber tambahan akan ditunjukkan demi studi lanjutan Anda dalam bidang ini.
Apakah yang Dapat Menimbulkan Stres di dalam Kehidupan Seseorang?
1. Rasa bosan atau merasa semua yang dilakukan tidak berarti, dapat menyebabkan stres. Mungkin ini kedengarannya aneh, tetapi banyak orang yang tidak menemukan suatu tantangan dan arti dalam kehidupan. Ini merupakan kesempatan untuk menolong seseorang menemukan arti hidup yang Kristus berikan. Menolong seseorang melihat kehidupan melalui perspektif Allah dapat mendatangkan arti, tidak peduli di bidang apa ia sedang bekerja atau tidak peduli apa yang sedang ia alami.
2. Tekanan-tekanan waktu dan batas waktu yang harus dipenuhi dapat menciptakan stres. Sering kali hal ini ditimbulkan oleh kita sendiri.
3. Beban kerja yang berlebihan dapat menciptakan tekanan pada hidup seseorang dan sekali lagi hal ini sering ditimbulkan oleh diri kita sendiri.
Kadang-kadang hal ini terjadi karena seseorang merasa tidak dapat mengharapkan orang lain untuk mengerjakan tugas itu, atau ia merasa bahwa orang lain akan mengerjakannya dengan cara yang berbeda dan dengan lebih lambat atau mungkin bahkan lebih baik daripada kalau dia yang mengerjakannya.
4. Harapan-harapan yang tidak realistis terhadap diri sendiri atau terhadap orang lain dapat menimbulkan ketidakpuasan dan ketegangan. Sarankan kepada orang-orang yang Anda layani supaya mereka merinci tiap-tiap harapan mereka dan mengenali asal-usul setiap harapan itu, mengapa harapan itu penting, dan bagaimana pengaruhnya terhadap hidup mereka jika harapan-harapan itu tidak tercapai.
5. Konflik sehubungan dengan peranan kita dapat menyebabkan ketegangan. Saya telah bertemu dengan banyak pendeta dalam kedudukan yang tidak cocok dengan kemampuan dan karunia-karunia pribadi mereka. Mereka merasa seperti sebuah balok segi empat yang menyumbat sebuah lubang yang bulat. Pasangan yang menikah juga dapat merasakan tekanan karena konflik peranan yang mereka temui dan perasaan bahwa tidak ada kemungkinan untuk berubah.
6. Masalah keuangan dan ketidakpastian pekerjaan dapat menjadi peyebab utama stres. Banyak dari antara kita pernah merasakan hal ini.
7. Terhalangnya pengungkapan emosi dan macetnya komunikasi yang terbuka dalam suatu hubungan tidak hanya mengakibatkan stres, tetapi juga dapat membawa kepada depresi dalam hidup seseorang yang sudah merasa harga dirinya rendah.
8. Orang-orang yang membangun rasa jati diri dan rasa harga diri mereka di atas dasar yang tidak mantap, misalnya dalam pekerjaan, akan mengalami stres dan ketegangan.
9. Kurangnya pengertian tentang tahap-tahap perkembangan orang dewasa yang normal dapat menyebabkan tekanan pribadi maupun tekanan dalam pernikahan.
Inilah daftar yang saya pakai untuk orang-orang yang saya layani mengenai penyebab stres. Sebagian dari penyebab yang disebutkan di sini dapat Anda perbanyak dan silakan memakainya untuk melayani orang-orang yang Anda beri konseling atau memakainya waktu Anda mengajar.
Berbagai Penyebab Stres
1. Hubungan yang tak pasti.
Jika seseorang mengalami ketidakpastian tentang suatu hubungan seperti persahabatan atau pernikahan, stres dapat timbul. Jika seseorang memikirkan apakah pasangannya tidak bahagia atau apakah pasangannya berniat hendak meninggalkan pernikahan, tidak hanya stres yang timbul, tetapi ini mudah menjadi suatu kritis. Beban jenis ini dapat mewarnai sikap seseorang terhadap seluruh bidang hidupnya. [Baca dan terapkan Filipi 4:6-9]
2. Lingkungan sekitar.
Keadaan lingkungan sekitar seseorang dapat menyebabkan stres. Keadaan lingkungan yang monoton dan tidak berubah dapat merupakan masalah, sama saja seperti suatu suasana bersaing yang penuh tekanan dan yang berjalan dengan cepat. [Baca Yohanes 16:33]
3. Perfeksionisme.
Mempunyai standar yang terlalu tinggi merupakan jalan utama yang menyebabkan kegagalan dan penolakan diri. Sulit hidup dengan orang yang perfeksionis. Perfeksionisme biasanya berarti ketidakmantapan. Orang-orang yang mantap bersifat luwes dan bersedia mengambil resiko serta membuat perubahan-perubahan yang positif. Ketika seseorang mempunyai harapan-harapan yang tidak realistis dan ia tidak dapat mencapainya maka ia akan mulai membenci dirinya, dan ini membawanya kepada depresi. [Baca 1Yohanes 4:7 dan buku "Making Peace with Your Past" (oleh H. Norman Wright) untuk mendapat informasi tambahan.]
4. Ketidaksabaran.
Jika orang sangat tidak sabar terhadap orang lain, berarti ia tidak sabar terhadap dirinya sendiri. Tidak dapat menyelesaikan berbagai hal sesuai dengan rencana membuat batin orang kacau. Kata sabar berarti "dapat menahan nafsu, tidak terburu-buru atau menurutkan kata hati, tabah, sanggup menanggung". [Baca Galatia 5:22-23]
5. Kekakuan.
Ketidakluwesan hampir sama dengan perfeksionisme dan ketidaksabaran. Orang yang kaku menghabiskan waktu mereka untuk menyelidiki sesuatu yang mengganggu pikiran mereka. Mengakui kesalahan sendiri dan menerima pendapat orang lain adalah tanggapan yang matang dan dapat mengurangi stres. Efesus 4:2 menganjurkan, "Pertimbangkanlah berbagai keadaan dan keterbatasan karena kamu saling mengasihi" (terjemahan dari the Amplified Bible).
6. Ketidakmampuan untuk rileks.
Banyak orang merasa sukar untuk duduk di kursi selama sepuluh menit dengan rileks. Pikiran mereka tetap jalan dan mereka memaksa diri. Kegiatan mereka disebut momentum stres. [Baca Yesaya 32:17]
7. Mudah meledak dan marah.
Jika hidup seseorang ditandai dengan bom-bom penyebar amarah pada orang lain, stres tidak hanya mempengaruhi orang itu tetapi juga orang lain. [Baca Amsal 29:22]
8. Kurangnya humor dan kecilnya semangat hidup.
Orang-orang yang suka membanggakan diri, suka menyalahkan diri, dan karenanya mereka mengalami stres, barangkali juga merasa sedih. [Baca Filipi 4:13]
9. Terlalu banyak bersaing.
Membandingkan diri dengan orang lain dalam hal apa yang mereka perbuat dan apa yang mereka miliki akan menyebabkan tekanan yang tidak perlu pada diri seseorang. Kita tidak perlu membiarkan apa yang diperbuat dan dimiliki orang lain mempengaruhi hidup kita. Persaingan dalam hal-hal tertentu dapat mendatangkan kesenangan tersendiri, tetapi apabila hal ini berjalan terus-menerus maka tidak menyenangkan lagi. [Baca Mazmur 37:3]
10. Kurangnya harga diri.
Konsepsi diri yang rendah adalah dasar dari banyaknya kesulitan dalam hidup. Depresi dan stres dapat terjadi. [Sebagai sumber tambahan untuk menolong orang yang Anda beri konseling, baca buku "Now I Know Why I'm Depressed" dan "Improving Your Self-Image" (Harvest House; bahasa Inggris).]
Menanggulangi Stres
Bagaimana kita dapat menghilangkan stres? Ada 3 cara:
1. Kita dapat mencoba mengubah keadaan lingkungan sekitar untuk mencegah hal-hal yang mungkin menyebabkan stres. Seseorang dapat berganti pekerjaan, berpindah dari lingkungan tempat tinggal, atau tidak berkunjung kepada kerabatnya sesering dulu. Sayangnya, tidak banyak orang menyadari berapa banyak perubahan tambahan yang harus dibuat dan ini dapat menimbulkan lebih banyak lagi stres.
2. Cara kedua untuk menanggulangi stres adalah memperhatikan gejala- gejalanya. Kita dapat berusaha mengubah tanggapan emosional dan tanggapan psikologis kita terhadap stres melalui penggunaan obat penenang, teknik-teknik relaks, meditasi, atau imajinasi. [Untuk informasi tambahan baca "The Healing of Fears" (Harvest House) dan "Making Peace with Your Past" (Revell), karangan penulis.]
3. Langkah yang ketiga ini adalah cara terbaik. Langkah ini meliputi tindakan mengubah berbagai keyakinan, anggapan dan cara berpikir negatif, yang membuat kita lebih mudah terserang stres. Persepsi dan evaluasi kita tentang dunia ini sebenarnya dapat menyebabkan stres. Mengubah sikap kita mungkin sulit, tetapi hal ini mungkin juga merupakan jalan yang paling berguna untuk mengurangi stres, tekanan dan kegelisahan.